Hitting the mud puddle

Once upon a time (between ages of 12-15--I know because of where we lived) I was asked to give a talk about goals. I shared the following quote that I'd heard somewhere: "It's better to aim for the stars and miss than to aim for a mud puddle and make it." Last Sunday Rachel brought the quote up and mentioned remembering it many times since that talk. I thought it was rather ironic that she brought it up then, because I'd spent the last couple of weeks thinking about what I'm about to relate.

All my growing up years people wanted to know what I wanted to be when I grew up. I'm sure that's true for most everyone in the whole world. Only, unlike many people, I never had any idea. I rotated through a bunch of different things--mostly, to have something to tell people. And in part because I like having a goal to work toward, so I learned about various different things. Some I remember were librarian, music teacher, forensic scientist, marine biologist, writer, hmm, I don't remember what else. I still want to be a waitress. Anyway, you get the picture. I've never really known (still don't) and it really bothered me that people asked all the time and I didn't have a good answer. I think I got extra pressure because I was "smart" and so classmates, teachers, church people, etc. saw in me the potential for becoming something more than the average. (I can't even count the times I was told that I should be a judge or a neuroscientist or just a plain lawyer or doctor or something more exoctic but equally pretigious and smart. I don't remember anybody suggesting I work for the local factory or waitressing, though that seemed to be fine for everyone else.)

Anyway, all in all, I got tired of it. Especially of not having any real idea what I wanted. So by my junior year of high school, through graduation, I started telling people that I wanted to be a bum. Not a specialized bum, like a beach bum or anything. Just a plain, regular bum. I'd actually forgotten about this until a couple of years ago when I heard my equally talented, intelligent, clearly-above-average brother tell some people this shortly after his graduation. I realized how bad it sounded and felt a little guilty, knowing he'd learned that from me. But I could also empathize with his need to gibbly put people off; with a stellar academic background, a nice athletic career, a well-rounded personality and background people expected great things and, since he didn't have a clue what he wanted to do, the pressure is about more than one motivated person can handle. Yes, I remember the answer well. "So, what are you planning to be when you grow up." "I think I'll just be a bum."

And all of this came back to me a couple of weeks ago when I was thinking about what I'd done in the past few weeks. I've done a lot of random things (most of them good things). I've caught up on about 10 years of the 20 years of sleep deprivation. I've looked for jobs and spent enormous amounts of time trying to figure out what kind of job I want. I've done a lot of service and things for other people. Etc. Etc. But, when all was said and done, if I had to summarize the past several weeks, I'd have to say that I feel like I've been a bum.

I've hit the mud puddle straight on.