Loving

This is the ridiculously long overdue second part to last post.  And it's going to be short/less thought out than sometimes (probably) because I have a meeting to be "at" (video) in half an hour.  But I want it written, at least in part.

So, back to my Utah trip and aftermath was, besides being loved, I also loved those people. I loved them, shared with them, trusted.  And it made me very conscious that somewhere along the line, I had chosen to stop loving people around me.  I was also made aware of this on more than one trip to the temple--very distinct revelation from the Lord telling me that I need to open my heart and love again.  I understood the message.  But I was scared to obey.

I'm not sure when or how or why it happened.  When I started this blog post a few weeks ago, one of the reasons I didn't finish writing this second one was that I was still trying to figure out why.  Where it was that I got tired of being hurt and feeling misunderstood and like I was putting forth effort and not getting any back and whatever and whatnot.  Finally, after mulling over that for awhile (with tons of specific examples in mind--losing so many people in so many ways--and lots of tears) I finally concluded that quite frankly it didn't matter.  Why, wherefore, when were irrelevant.  The fact of the matter was that I had quit loving and by doing so I wasn't only hurting other people.  I was hurting myself.  A lot. 

I, Ruth, love people. I have for a long time.  Many years.  Probably for 20 years; definitely, very consciously for 15 years.  As Martha's daughter.  And McKay's daughter.  And as part of my divine nature and my specific mission on Earth and my effort to emulate Jesus Christ.  For all those reasons and more, I love people.  It's who I am. 

Only, I'd let go of it and I was sad and alone and hurting as a result. 

I also realized, that the reasons why weren't nearly so relevant as the question:  Do I have faith in Jesus Christ?  In his power as a healer of all things?  In his ability to help me repent, to forgive, to grow?  If I do, then I'll accept the risks, I'll accept what seems one-sided effort, I'll accept the hurt that does come from loving.  I'll rely on my Savior, my Redeemer.  And I will love people again.

So, I'm happy to report that for the past few weeks, I've been working on it.  Consciously.  Choosing to hug people.  To visit them.  To respond to nice co-workers who ask about my holiday plans--really respond, not just short, it's-enough-to-be-polite answers.  To reach out to new people.  To tell stories and share of myself.  To see the good in others and tell them! To be aware and find little ways to serve.  And on and on. 

I can feel the pull-back, the difficulty at times as I break away this little fence that has grown up around my heart. But I keep trusting the Lord.  Surely the Lord God will not command me to do this, save he will help me do it.  And even when I'm scared of the consequences, I do want to.  Being I believe the good consequences (both of loving and of obeying) are worth it!

It feels good.  I feel more whole.  I feel like ME again!  And I'm so grateful. 

I love to love!  :)